I Changed My World

I'm moving on to a new world by the way.

I'd still go back here once in a while but I have a new permanent address in another world. I'm still not sure if I'm going to reside there permanently or I'm just testing the waters.

Let's see.

If I'd enjoy living in that world, I might live there for a bit until my soul gets tired again.

I hope to see you there.

Roller Coaster Ride

I spent today outside a funfair. Since I can't affort to fritter my money away, I thought it best just to watch other people.I stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.

What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?

At the moment, I'm far too lonely that it will happen, that I will find a job and that I am here because I chose this fate. The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; its mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it.

It isn't easy being far from my family and from the language in which I can express all my feelings and emotions, but, from now on, whenever I feel depressed, I will remember that funfair. If I had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up on a roller coaster, what would I feel?

Well, I would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. However, if I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement.

- From the book, Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

Weekend Madness

I know I have to get over this feeling sooner or later so I might as well write about it while I can still clearly remember how I felt on that one wonderful Saturday morning.

It all started with a question about the submission of the Quality Monitoring form. Then we went on to talk about Rheena's comeback, my team, his current Quality Coaches, how we're both faring with our account so far and other topics which I couldn't remember anymore.

I'm talking about Robin.

When I decided to go back to NCO, I knew that I would be having a difficult time completely getting him out of my system. Working with him on the same account would require us to work together and I knew that I have to get over my fear of talking to him.

I have this weird tendency to completely shut up whenever he's around. I'm afraid to talk because I fear that I will say something wrong, and he might think that I'm stupid. My self-confidence is really down the drain every time I stand next to him. He has that weird effect on me.

Anyway, I was able to little by little overcome this weird attitude towards him for the last three months. Now, I can send him an email directly (I used to asked Mommy Mycs to reply to his email messages instead of me replying to him directly), I can exchange polite conversations, and I can speak up about my thoughts or ideas (just a little bit) even if he's around.

Slowly, I was gaining confidence and I although I'm still a little bit conscious sometimes, I no longer just completely keep quiet whenever he's around.

Anyway, last Saturday morning, I was able to have my longest conversation so far with Robin. Actually, last week I had to help him out with a report since Rheena wasn't able to report for work and I offered to help him out since I still know how to do it. I was even a little pissed because some of my colleagues (e.g. the "our story guy" - I'll write about it some other time.)thought that the only reason why I was helping him out was because I like him. But I was too tired to explain that doing the reports was my previous job description and I would gladly help out even if he's not the TQM. Aside from that, I miss doing the reports and analyzing data. What can I say? I know that I'll always be a "Quality" person at heart. =)

As I was saying (I really tend to digress most of the time), Robin went to my station, sat down and we talked.

Just the two of us. :)

I don't know how long it lasted but all I know I was smiling the whole day after that conversation. Darn, the whole weekend even. I just can't believe that I was actually able to get past the usual hi and hello's with him. I actually talked to him about other things aside from reports! Hell, we even talked about Janis. Although he was too polite that all he said was that he knew all about what happened and he doesn't have any comment.

I really don't want to make a big deal out of it but I can't help it. I was one happy girl last Saturday morning. That rarely happens and I know it deserves a space in my blog! After all, this blog was the witness of all my craziness about him since it started almost four years ago.

Then last Sunday, after writing that Sunday Afternoon entry, like a splash of cold water, reality sink in. I know I had to stop myself from hoping. I couldn't let that happen. What I feel for Robin is supposed to be an inspiration and not something that would lead me to heart break.

I already accepted the fact that he's just someone that I like and someone that I'm happy to see everyday but it has to remain on that level. I have to put a stop to every little crazy ideas that was going over my head last weekend. I know I have to.

So, what I did was, psyched myself again that Robin is Robin. He's just a temporary case of insanity and he's just someone who makes me smile. Nothing more. My cloud nine days is over and by Monday night, I'm back to being my sane self again.

Last week was great but it would remain as it is.

One whole week of wonderful memories.

Sunday Afternoons

I can't get over the topic of conversation that me, Abi and Rheena talked about yesterday while hanging out after our shift, eating lechon kawali in Pantoja.

We were talking about how we are going to balance our life between our responsibilities in the office and our personal lives. Personal life at this point means friends and family only. All three of us are single and normally spend twelve hours in the office everyday and sometimes report for work on rest days if it is a really toxic week.

We all agree that this kind of life would definitely change if we all have a boyfriend. We even went on exchanging ideas about how we are going to balance our time between work, family, friends, and boyfriend. I must admit that I thought about it sometimes and I know that if ever I will have a boyfriend at this time of my life, he would definitely take a back seat since I'm too focused on trying to decipher where my life's direction is going.

However, if I indeed do I have a boyfriend I'd say Sunday afternoons would be the best time for us to have our bonding time. Ideally, I'd love to see him everyday if it's possible but if we would be working on different industry, I doubt if that would be possible. So, two to three times meeting every week would be good enough for me.

I'd love to see him on Sunday afternoon, and spend time with him. We could watch a movie, go to the mall, buy groceries, try out that new restaurant, cook for him or him cooking for me, visit his friend, visit my friend, hear mass, coffee, stay at home and watch local shows on TV. There are so many things that we could do but I think what's important is spending quality time with my boyfriend. It doesn't matter where, when or what we're doing just as long as we're together.

I had these thoughts since yesterday afternoon until now that I just realized that although I'm really enjoying living the single life, I also miss having someone constant in my life. Someone that I can spend my Sunday afternoons with.

I miss having that someone.

As I Like It

I had a weird thought last night while I was trying to fall asleep. I thought about how my interment would be like.

I don't have a death wish, nor I wanted to die soon but it's just one of those weird thoughts that suddenly crossed my mind. See, after watching too much death scenes in CSI, I can't help but think about how I wanted to die (if I have a choice), and how my interment would be like. So here it goes.

First, I want to have a really painless death and no blunt-force trauma please. Maybe I'd like to die in my sleep. Then I don't want my body to be autopsied because I've seen how Dr. Robbins do to those bodies that he autopsied and I don't want my body to be subjected to that kind of medical investigation. Then I want to be cremated and my ashes put in a really nice pink urn jar. I want lots of flowers on my wake. I'm not much of a flower person but I want blooms in different colors. I don't want my wake to look and smell like a wake, but rather I want it to be like a cool party where all my friends and family are there. More like a typical birthday party where people are talking and having fun.

My wake should only last for three days. That should give my family and friends enough time to spend last moments with me. Then on my interment day, I'd like all attendees to fly a pink balloon all at the same time. I'd also like the song "Eye in the Sky" playing on the background as well as some of my favorite songs during my necrological services. Then, I'd like to be buried or put in our family mausoleum back in our home town.

Lastly, I want everyone to remember me at least once in a while. Sounds cheesy and dramatic, right? In my mind though, I could picture it out vividly.

Knock on wood.... =)